You have been forewarned, this entry is not for those with preference in perfect world indulgence. Leave while you still can.
Sometimes, in moments of grief, there presents a slight surprise of a light moment which does spurs up one’s spirits.
Exactly what is that? Well, you have to work hard and read on in order to find out.
Last Sunday was an extremely sad day for me. I had promised my bereaved father to go down to my Grandmother’s house. And yes, I am bereaved too. We were supposed to clear my Grandmother’s belongings before we submissively return the passive keys to our local government.
Guess those amongst you reading this blog, non-intellectually challenged, probably know by now, why are we in bereavement.
Yes, my beloved Grandmother has passed away. In ways so fast, that shock was felt but not understood. Death came to her like a Thief of the Night. Yes, and I do admit that despite being supposed to have overcame the grief, I am still struggling within my inner walls. Every reminisce of her slits knives of hurt into my heart. Tearing me each time, I remember her. Invoking memories of her caring for me when I was still a toddler. Reminding me of her piggy backing me to the docs whenever I was sick and too weak to move my limbs. As a small but obese kid , my Grandmother carried me for 10 streets to school, and many more streets to the doctors.
And yes, as a man. I have been taught by the secular world to bleed than to weep. But how my heart yearns for her…… I Miss Her.
So Grandma, wherever you may be now, if you can read this,
“I really miss you”
Pa had called me up last week, “Son, the HDB wants us to return your Grandma’s rented flat back to them. So I need your help to help clear some of your Grandma’s items.”
With hesitation, “ Sure Pa, I will certainly avail myself.” How could I bear to let my Father who lost her mother to go to my Grandma’s house alone, and grieve in solitude loneliness, as he clears my Grandma’s possessions.
My Sweetheart, being a great wife, volunteered to help out in the clearing of items. In fact, even without the labour offered, its heart warming enough by just standing beside my grieving father in times like this.
So we met on Sunday, opened the once well greased door. Everything seems to have die along with my Grandma. Even the door. My younger Brother came along too….
And in no time we started our task. But the time was long. And its much longer than we could have bear. Little did we know that we will be emotionally torn as we proceed with our task
My eyes scrolled the entire living room, and floods of past events just start gushing in. Suddenly, I remember the good old times in this living room during Chinese Lunar New Year, when my Grandma will gaily host the reunion dinner, where we will all get to taste all her cuisines, accumulated from friends and experience over the years. Thinking as I write now, my emotions are bleeding from knowing that I will no longer get to drink her tonic soups, her braised chicken, her pig intestine stew………..soft potatoes stewed in dark sauce……no more……..
No more……………
And Forever no more…………….
“Darling, I will be throwing all these.” My wife’s voice snapped me out of my depressed trance. “Yes Dear, guess all those disposable plates and utensils left behind by my Grandmother will have to be disposed. They have turned yellow over the years.”
Simple sentence, but yet it carried the power to rob me of my joy in life, and replaced it with regrets in life. How I wish I can keep everything that my Grandmother left behind. How I wish that I need not throw away anything at all. Yes, I kept some of the items for me to remember my Grandmother. But still, I wished I could have the means to keep all.
How I wish I could keep everything of hers with us.
So, this wish seems doomed for death right for the start.
For I have no house of my own that I can call my own. And my father has no house of his own that he can call his own. Similarly, my brother has no house of his own that he can call his own. We are all prisoners of our own individual circumstances. There was no way we could have kept everything by our side, try as we might, but the word futile is a bigger Might here. Wouldn’t elaborate on it though.
And so with heavy hearts, we demolished what was so familiar to us and what was so dear to us. And with each gathered bag of items to be disposed, more regrets are drummed into our hearts.
But what choice do we have?
The Government wants the flat back. And we couldn’t squeeze one whole house items into another house.
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Actually I really wanted to pen more and end this blog on a happier note…….
But I am affected at this juncture…….
So allow me to stop for a while, while I recompose myself.
To all of you out there, treasure your loved ones while they are alive.
